The Omnivorous Geek

Fandom: Supernatural
Title: Beer Bottle Grace
Author: Maychorian
Characters: Dean, Sam, Bobby, leviathans, adorable little bits of Castiel
Category: Humor, AU, H/C
Rating: R for swearing and nasty imagery
Warning: (skip) Good Lord, but that boy has a potty mouth. Also some gore. Amputation warning because of leviathans.
Spoilers: Up to 7.10
Summary: In Which There Are Far Too Many Bitches for Dean, Sam Is a Genius Somehow, and Castiel Is Not Where He's Supposed to Be Because He's Dead or Something
Word Count: About 9500
Author’s Note: I started this at Christmas vacation, intending to have it up by New Year, or at least before hiatus ended, but that didn’t happen. Oh well. Apparently this is how I do fix-it fic.

( It started that night they did couples therapy for those two scary evil witches with their bitchy faces and bitchy voices and bitchy bitch problems. )

So. Family reunion today. I get to talking with one of my cousins. She's a pretty cool girl--we didn't use to have much to talk about, but she's mellowed out a lot in the past few years, since she's had kids, and we strangely have a lot more in common now even though I am still unmarried and childless.

I find out that she loves Supernatural! :D It's her favorite show on televison! :D She's really excited about the premier and hopes this isn't the last season! :D She can talk intelligently about the characters and why she likes them! :D She's called all her friends and gotten them to watch it, too! :D :D :D

Then later in the same conversation.

I find out that she "adores" Twilight! D: She's thinks the books are better than the movies! D: She read Breaking Dawn "like thirty times in a row" when it came out! D: It enthralled her like no book series she's ever read before! D: She's Team Edward all the way! D: D: D:

It was like fan whiplash, I swear. I was near-ecstatic with joy at finding a fellow fan among this unlikely group (my family is all hicks, hillbillies, and farmers, and I love them, but you see what I mean), then dizzy and pained with shock at this catastrophic failure of judgment.

IT WAS LIKE A ROLLERCOASTER THAT I DIDN'T LIKE. AT FIRST IT WAS ALL "WHEE FUN TAKE ME HIGHER" AND THEN IT WAS ALL "UGH BARF BARF LET ME OOOOFFFFF."

Hold me, flist.

We talked about cooking, too, and that was good. So thumbs up there.

So someone named kittystrife is ripping off multiple people's posts, including episode and book reviews. And also personal posts. Do not get it at all.

Just...avoid this person, mmkay?

Rant the First: WHY IS CASTIEL-POV SO HARD TO WRITE. Whyyyy??? You need to be more human, dude, so your brain makes more sense. You make me make this face. :-ddoisjl "Bitchass angel of the freakin' Lord," for sure.

Rant the Second: My Bartleby has become a biter. Why, little rat, why? DO MY HANDS TASTE LIKE CANDY? They are not candy! I'm pretty sure they should just taste like hands. THAT IS NOT DELICIOUS.

Rant the Third: Okay, I have more hours right now, which is cool, but why did it have to coincide with Big Bang? I WANT MORE TIME TO READ.

Rant the Fourth: Yeah, and these hours include a lot of walking pushing a kid in wheelchair. Which is cool, right? Free exercise. Sometimes two or three hours a day. I didn't change my eating patterns because I'm not down with that, but I thought maybe I would drop a few pounds anyway. NOPE. I'VE GAINED WEIGHT SINCE THIS STARTED. I do not understand.

Rant the Fifth: Related to Rant the Fourth. Blisters and sore feet, and now there's a hole in my left shoe, probably because of the funky way I walk, what with one leg being a little longer than the other and all.

Rant the Sixth: STOOPID TENDINITIS. I sincerely wish that you could change physical maladies into, like, a little gremlin that you can then grab and STRANGLE WITH YOUR BARE HANDS. It would be cool if you could do this with depression too. Sigh. (...Would that make a good crackfic?)

Rant the Seventh: STOOPID BROKEN A KEY. Seriously, keyboard, why you do this to me? I've only ever been nice to you. I don't even keysmash very often. RAZZLEFRAM.

Not a Rant: Oh, Misha Misha, you have us fangirls figured out, don't you? You know we are all about the crack and the hurt/comfort. Though I get why it freaks strangeandcharm out a bit, because last night's antics freaked me out a bit too. I think it was the hunger strike and the leash bit that did it for me. You are crazy. And cute and funny and immensely huggable, but also crazy.