not guilty
Jun. 19th, 2010 11:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
maychorianRambly Disclaimer: I have seen this come up in multiple places, so this post is not aimed at any single person and please don't think that it is. If I don't comment to a lot of posts, sometimes it means that I've been reading and listening more than I've been talking or responding, because sometimes that's how I need to let my brain work. I've been reading a LOT over the past few days and not commenting much at all, so I apologize if I appear to have been silent anywhere, if you saw me on your My Guest list and I didn't say something about your serious post, anything like that. A lot of times when I go through these periods of listening and thinking I end up writing a post like this in order to articulate my thoughts in general, instead of responding to particular ideas and thoughts elsewhere. And sometimes I don't even post, but just keep thinking and cogitating and trying to understand.
But I do want to make this clear. None of what I have said in my journal or elsewhere has been motivated by guilt. Unless, of course, I am apologizing for a specific offense that I have made, I don't post or comment or speak out on these issues out of any sense of guilt.
When I apologized to my flist for the offense my favorite show gave in the episode "Hammer of the Gods", I did not feel guilty. I was not the one who wrote that episode, produced it, acted it, aired it. There was no reason for me to feel guilty. I was sorry that some of my friends had been hurt and offended by my show. I was sorry that I was in a privileged position where I did not feel offended, because privilege is a problem that we all have to deal with, whether we have it or not. I regretted that my friends were hurt and insulted. But I did not feel guilty.
It's funny how the idea of guilt often comes up in discussions like these. People speak disparagingly of "white guilt," as if that is all that is motivating white people to talk about racism. And I guess I could see the reason for that, if guilt really was the only motivation. Guilt implies a focus on self, that the "guilty" parties feel bad about themselves for whatever reason and are only speaking or posting or commenting in an effort to make themselves feel better, to get "cookies," approval, pats on the head. I can see how that would be off-putting, and I'm sure it happens. I can't see into anyone's hearts, though, so I can't say who is speaking out of guilt or not. I know you can't see into my heart, either.
So again, let me make this very, very clear. I have not chosen to talk about racism on my Livejournal because I feel guilty. I am aware of my privilege now in ways that I never was before, and I despise what it does to my nation, my community, my friends. But I do not feel guilty and this is not about me.
I also have not chosen to talk about this here because I enjoy making a fuss--nothing of the sort. I hate conflict in real life and everywhere--it literally makes me sick to my stomach. I spent most of yesterday feeling sick and dizzy over my last post, though I don't regret making it, and the comments there were polite and civilized. I just hate conflict THAT MUCH. From the time I first started posting here on Livejournal, this was meant to be my happy place. I've never been a wanker and I never wanted to bring that here.
This is not wank. Wank is silly and inconsequential and often hilarious to those who don't have my problems with conflict. (Even wank makes me sick to my stomach sometimes.) Wank is people complaining about the D/C Big Bang or going on ad nauseum about how Sam is better than Dean (or vice versa) or constructing ludicrous theories about how Castiel is ruining everything, everywhere, forever. This is not wank. This is serious business. It's deeply unfunny and not the least bit entertaining and it isn't fun at all.
So when I choose to bring SRS BSNS to this journal, it's because it's something that I feel very, very strongly about. When I ranted about the doctor who made me feel worthless for being fat. When I ranted about how victims of sexual assault should not be forced to break their anonymity. When I apologized for "Hammer of the Gods," even though it was not really my place to apologize. When I reposted comments about how the feelings of victims of racism deserve more consideration and respect than the feelings of people who commit an act of racism. All of these things are important to me and I felt like I HAD to say them.
Perhaps...perhaps I would have felt guilty if I had not said these things. Because if I had not spoken up on an issue that concerned me, that roused my emotions, that forced me to use my voice usually kept so quiet in the dark, I would have been denying a part of myself and my beliefs. And I have never done that here. But as it is, I feel no guilt.
Thank you for reading this. It's important to me and I felt a need to say it, and I'm always glad to know that someone is listening.
But I do want to make this clear. None of what I have said in my journal or elsewhere has been motivated by guilt. Unless, of course, I am apologizing for a specific offense that I have made, I don't post or comment or speak out on these issues out of any sense of guilt.
When I apologized to my flist for the offense my favorite show gave in the episode "Hammer of the Gods", I did not feel guilty. I was not the one who wrote that episode, produced it, acted it, aired it. There was no reason for me to feel guilty. I was sorry that some of my friends had been hurt and offended by my show. I was sorry that I was in a privileged position where I did not feel offended, because privilege is a problem that we all have to deal with, whether we have it or not. I regretted that my friends were hurt and insulted. But I did not feel guilty.
It's funny how the idea of guilt often comes up in discussions like these. People speak disparagingly of "white guilt," as if that is all that is motivating white people to talk about racism. And I guess I could see the reason for that, if guilt really was the only motivation. Guilt implies a focus on self, that the "guilty" parties feel bad about themselves for whatever reason and are only speaking or posting or commenting in an effort to make themselves feel better, to get "cookies," approval, pats on the head. I can see how that would be off-putting, and I'm sure it happens. I can't see into anyone's hearts, though, so I can't say who is speaking out of guilt or not. I know you can't see into my heart, either.
So again, let me make this very, very clear. I have not chosen to talk about racism on my Livejournal because I feel guilty. I am aware of my privilege now in ways that I never was before, and I despise what it does to my nation, my community, my friends. But I do not feel guilty and this is not about me.
I also have not chosen to talk about this here because I enjoy making a fuss--nothing of the sort. I hate conflict in real life and everywhere--it literally makes me sick to my stomach. I spent most of yesterday feeling sick and dizzy over my last post, though I don't regret making it, and the comments there were polite and civilized. I just hate conflict THAT MUCH. From the time I first started posting here on Livejournal, this was meant to be my happy place. I've never been a wanker and I never wanted to bring that here.
This is not wank. Wank is silly and inconsequential and often hilarious to those who don't have my problems with conflict. (Even wank makes me sick to my stomach sometimes.) Wank is people complaining about the D/C Big Bang or going on ad nauseum about how Sam is better than Dean (or vice versa) or constructing ludicrous theories about how Castiel is ruining everything, everywhere, forever. This is not wank. This is serious business. It's deeply unfunny and not the least bit entertaining and it isn't fun at all.
So when I choose to bring SRS BSNS to this journal, it's because it's something that I feel very, very strongly about. When I ranted about the doctor who made me feel worthless for being fat. When I ranted about how victims of sexual assault should not be forced to break their anonymity. When I apologized for "Hammer of the Gods," even though it was not really my place to apologize. When I reposted comments about how the feelings of victims of racism deserve more consideration and respect than the feelings of people who commit an act of racism. All of these things are important to me and I felt like I HAD to say them.
Perhaps...perhaps I would have felt guilty if I had not said these things. Because if I had not spoken up on an issue that concerned me, that roused my emotions, that forced me to use my voice usually kept so quiet in the dark, I would have been denying a part of myself and my beliefs. And I have never done that here. But as it is, I feel no guilt.
Thank you for reading this. It's important to me and I felt a need to say it, and I'm always glad to know that someone is listening.
